You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
