her vagine was all disorganized.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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