two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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