so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
