I accidentally burped into my bong.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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