I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
