Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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