you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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