my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
