just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
