Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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