I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
try to milk me bitch
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