Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
