I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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