I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
