I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
false alarm, still single
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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