just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
