I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
In America we eat man semen.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
