I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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