you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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