Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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