Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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