got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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