third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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