life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
