What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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