I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
