Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
