You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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