...so i touched it.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Let's get the cat blown out
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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