We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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