Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
