I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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