Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
