I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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