a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
