He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
