I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Drake has all the answers
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
