Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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