Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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