I puked a lego.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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