i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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