Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
