Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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