I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize