after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You need Xanax blowdarts
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
