I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
