apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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