dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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