I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize