I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
