i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
