I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
