hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
