ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
