Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
