god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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