Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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