some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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