If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
someone owes me an orgasm
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The beer is more important than you right now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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