If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
