I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
