There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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