Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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