I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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