I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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