why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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